Lyrical Logic

I was supposed to be drowning. 
Drowning in sadness and heartbreak. 
The heartbreak stung for the first few weeks the most. 
The sadness comes in waves. 
But my body just kept going, 
Even when my mind and heart couldn’t. 

Everyone told me how strong I was. 
They couldn’t believe how well I was doing. 
I just gave a small smile and nod. 
The truth was I wasn’t feeling. 
I wasn’t processing. 
My body went into fight or flight mode. 
Just to keep me from drowning. 

It wasn’t until I had to sit with you that I started to feel short of breath. 
It was virtual, 
We weren’t really in the same room, 
But I still was overwhelmed. 
I cried the whole hour. 
Silently I felt my heart break all over again. 
There I was, 
Actually drowning. 

I didn’t feel that way again until the day it was final. 
When I was legally single again.
I know I kept your name, 
But I still feel like I’m with you. 
I want to tell you all the things, 
From taking a new job
To getting a cat to keep me company,
You’re the one I almost texted first. 
Because for so long you were the thing keeping me from drowning.

Now, here, on what would have been our first actual anniversary, 
I’m hosting friends
Instead of planning a romantic night. 
I’ll be in my sweats
Instead of in the dress I worked so hard to fit into.
I invited them over
Because if I hadn’t
I would drown.