Lyrical Logic

I know so few people that feel the way I do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that not many people around me feel this way. But it makes some things that much harder. It makes it harder to do things like smile and laugh. And I really wish that I wasn’t feeling this way. But I dealt with the feelings I have towards my ex-husband for the last year. I’ve finally started to come out of the “crisis” mode my body has been in for the last eighteen months. However, now the hardest part is here. Dealing with the loss of the only mom I’ve ever had.

I don't know how to do it
How to act like you don't exist
How to pretend you weren't my best friend
How to act like I don't miss you.
Seeing your name breaks me. 
You act like I don't exist. 
I can still hear your voice. 

You aren't the first person to do this to me.
But maybe I can make you the last. 
This feeling
Like I don't deserve a mother
I've lived with it most of my life. 
Except those years I had you
Those years were the best of my life. 

But now that feeling is back. 
And it's stronger than ever. 
Honestly it is the feeling that is killing me.
Not the betrayal
Not the heartbreak
The feeling that I'm not good enough
Good enough for the only thing
The one connection that everyone assumes 
Is present at birth. 

I hope none of you feel the way I do. I hope that connection was there for you from the moment you breathed air. Because the feeling of not having it. It will be the thing that destroys me.