Lyrical Logic

There are a lot of things that I want to do in my life. That never ending bucket list if you will. But for me, this list has become more about finding myself so I can find the things that I enjoy doing. Really, it’s just that I want to be able to tell people actual hobbies when they ask me what I like to do for fun. Not just answer with “hanging out with my cat and watching (insert streaming service here).”

Part of me just doesn’t feel like I’m alive. I know that probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s what it feels like. Like I just walk through life in a fog. Not really knowing what I’m doing or if I’m doing it right. Living is funny because so many people have different definitions of it. Some would say I’m not living, because I spend so much time alone. Others would say I’m living my best life, doing things I want to do, trying new things, figuring out myself. As someone who has historically needed to be told what to do, the two different views don’t help me much.

I was reflecting on this a while ago, and I wrote the poem below. For some reason, the whole idea of me being on my own has paralyzed me in ways and set me free in others. As I was thinking about what I wanted to do, I thought about why. Why wasn’t I doing things that sounded fun? Why wasn’t I willing to try new things? The answer is usually fear. And so I made a list. And slowly but surely I’ll check things off. But for now, I’m taking time to really think about what things I want on my list.

I felt like I needed to do something
Something to make me feel alive again. 
So I did the only thing I knew to do
I made a list. 
A list of things that sounded fun, 
Like things I really wanted to experience. 
Things that I never thought I could do alone
That I was now going to have to do alone. 
There are big things, 
Go to Greece, 
Backpack through Europe,
Travel to all of the National Parks,
Write a book. 
There are small things, 
Go to that concert in the state over,
Take a weekend camping trip, 
Go see friends, 
Spend a lazy weekend at home. 
It’s time to start living
And do the next thing on my list. 

What’s on your list? What do you want to do in life? What makes you feel alive? Make a list. You might surprise yourself.