Lyrical Logic

Have you ever just done something, partially on a whim, and just felt instant relief? I feel that today as I decided that going back to school right now isn’t what is best for me. As much as I want to finish my degree, my life isn’t in a place where it’s doable for me. Work, personal life, and just the sheer amount of energy it takes for me to just be able to survive is too much. I shouldn’t feel like it’s an obligation. I should want to do it. And right now, it feels like an obligation. So I made the decision to once again hit pause.

I know it’s not supposed to be easy. I know it will take work and time and effort. But it shouldn’t put me into a situation where I’m constantly fighting to breathe. I shouldn’t feel like I’m drowning. And that’s what it felt like. So last night as I dropped classes, I felt relief. I can now breathe and just be. I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks, and it felt good. Doing something that brings me joy. Doing something that I don’t really have to think about. It felt so amazing. So, maybe me finishing my degree just isn’t in the cards right now. But that is okay. It will always be there for me when I’m ready.

Paralyzed from the feelings of obligations
Not wanting to do anything other than what is necessary for survival.
Sleeping most of the day
Eating just enough to get by
Dehydrated because even drinking water is hard
These are obvious signs of my depression.
These are the things that happen at home each day.
Work sees a different side of me.
Smiles, laughs, joy.
Volunteering for things even when I don't have the time.
Helping everyone make sure things get done.
That is what my depression looks like.
Depression isn't just isolation and sleep.
You learn to hide it. 
You learn not to let anyone know how bad it is.
Because when it does get bad
And you have to be honest
People just tell you to snap out of it.

To all of us out here that continue to mask, it’s okay. You don’t need to snap out of it. In November I voluntarily went into the hospital for 24 hours because I couldn’t shake one of the intrusive thoughts. I finally came clean and asked for help. It was okay. I worked through it. Asking for help isn’t bad. If you need to ask, do it. Even if it’s just texting 988 and having a conversation. Because the world is better with you in it.