Lyrical Logic

I have officially been at my job for a whole year. This is crazy to me. Really, what is crazy is how much my life has changed in that time. I’m divorced, I’ve moved back to the city I swore I wouldn’t live in again, and overall I think I’m happy. This has been a journey, to say the least.

Many times I’ve said “I’m too broken” or “I’m not strong enough,” in the last year. Many times have I isolated myself and told myself it wasn’t worth my continuance. I’ve attempted suicide, but that was almost a decade ago. I was unsuccessful because someone, unknowingly, stepped in. And that person is the same person who shattered my heart into a million little pieces. That is the same person that has caused this reflection, a year later, about the thing that I wouldn’t have had he stayed with me.

From the person I needed
To the person I could never see again
From the one thing stabilizing me
To the one thing that will destabilize me
From the love of my life
To the biggest lesson I've ever learned

I sit here now, 13 hours from when I started this post, in a completely different mindset. I’m sitting here, and I’m wondering if I haven’t been running from the wrong things. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to run from some of the things I’ve been running so hard from. Instead of hanging onto some of the things I’ve been hanging onto, maybe I should have been letting them go. And in some ways, I’ll never know. In others, I just need to be brave enough to try again.

There is one thing that I know will never change, and that is something I learned the hard way. I’m not going to get into it here, but maybe one day I’ll get to a point where I feel like I’m more capable of talking on the subject. For now, I’ll leave it to the professionals. But I want you all to know, that sometimes the thing your running from, that thing that used to bring you peace and comfort and made you feel whole and seen, sometimes is just the thing you need to embrace. Because what I was running from, for a variety of reasons, seems to be the thing drawing me back, asking me where I’ve been.