Lyrical Logic

I talk about my divorce a lot. And honestly it’s because it has been the biggest thing in my life for the last year. But today I finally got to truly close the door on that part of my life. Everything is final and done. The last piece that I was waiting to be transferred to me has been. And I’m finally able to stop thinking about him. Finally able to stop thinking about what I need to do to break free. And granted, I miss his family with all that I am, but I’m free of him. And god it feels good.

It probably seems odd that I would say that. I never thought I would say it if I’m being honest. But I feel good. I feel free. God forgive me, I feel happy. I feel like I’m able to actually start being me.

Going through this, it has taught me a few things. The first is that life literally cannot throw anything at me that I can’t handle. I thought this would kill me, and it hasn’t. It’s taught me that I don’t need to rely on anyone else, and that the only person I can really rely on is myself. But most importantly, it’s taught me that being alone is okay. That it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed at my life, it just means I don’t have to worry about anyone but me.

That is the thing that I think I struggled with a lot last year. It wasn’t until I set out on my own that I realized that it was okay if I didn’t have to rely on anyone else. It’s been the most freeing experience. My therapist has even told me that it seems as though my entire life has shifted. She’s going on vacation for a few weeks, and I’m not actually worried about it. Which, is a brand new feeling. It scares me a little, but I’m not worried about what will happen in my life while she’s out that I have to figure out how to handle. And I’m really damn proud of that.

It isn't until we are forced to take care of ourselves
That we really learn what we are capable of.
It isn't until we are all alone
That we can finally look around.
It isn't until I walked through hell and back 
That I realized heaven was right in front of me. 
It wasn't until I was ready to close my eyes
That I really started to see. 

I’m going to keep living in this happy timeline of my life. Maybe I can finally do things that I’ve always wanted to do. Go abroad. Lay on the beach with a drink in my hand. Turn this into a travel blog for a little bit? No matter what it is that I do, I don’t have to explain why to anyone else. And it wasn’t until I was at my lowest that I saw the beauty of the next chapter of my life.