Lyrical Logic

There are moments in life when you wonder if you’ve really moved forward in life. If you’ve broken the habits that have plagued your past and caused you so much anxiety you can hardly think about it. I’ll be the first one to tell you, those are fears I have daily. That some toxic trait of my past will show up and completely screw me over. But those habits, those traits, those familiar vices that bring momentary peace, while they are harder than hell to break, they are begging to be broken.

I don’t think any of us actually want to self sabotage. I mean, I don’t think someone wakes up one day and just says “I’m ready to completely throw my life away.” I think it just happens sometimes. And I’ve caught myself neck deep in some of those habits lately. Because they are all I know. It’s all I understand. And it takes real discipline to break them.

For example, I have a tendency to just buy whatever I want – hell with the consequences. This gets me in trouble, frequently. I had been telling myself that I was just getting things I needed, and then I looked around one day and realized I had been lying to myself. Thousands of dollars later, and sure, I slipped a little bit, but I didn’t let it define my entire self. I just had to set my boundaries again, and work really hard to not blow past them again. And I think that it is something that a lot of us struggle with, and it’s hard to admit to yourself that that is what you’re doing.

We can read all the self help books we want. We can do all the budgets and we can do all the tips and tricks, but we can ignore the habits and just write them off. It isn’t until you really start to deal with why you’re doing the things that you start to get anywhere. And lord knows I do it. But it will finally reach a head, and you’ll be tired of writing off the habits. That’s where you have to be strong enough to stick to it.

Telling yourself day in and day out
Tomorrow will be different
But you know deep down it won't be. 
How can I break the cycle? 
How can I ever be better?
How can I ever deserve the care free life?
Then you realize you already do
You just have to put in the work
Because nothing in this life comes easy
Because nothing in this life is free.

As we near the end of the year, I’ll probably publish let poetry so I can take the time and finish my book. I don’t want to publish all of it before I publish the book because I just feel like I need to let it have its moment. This is the most delicate part of my life that I’ve lived through so far. And it’s something that I feel like needs to be published as a whole before I continue to publish it piece by piece.