Lyrical Logic

The last few weeks, and the next few as well, are usually are for me. I do my best, but my body remembers dates. And the dates of me finding out I was pregnant, and subsequently finding out I miscarried, are all either just passed or are coming up. And it’s really hard, especially with Mother’s Day, for me.

I don’t hide the fact that I just don’t do things after work. Like, I get home, I heat up food, and I sit on my couch and I decompress. Because my job, while I wouldn’t call it stressful, is just a lot. There is a lot of money involved (not my money, but a lot of money) and we have some massive cases that cause me to panic a little extra. And so when I get home, I tend to just turn into a potato and lounge on my couch for the night.

I mean, if there is a work event or if friends want to do something, I’ll suck it up and I’ll do it. But I would much rather just be a potato. Well, last night, I got the sudden urge to just clean my downstairs. It was 8:30 PM and I had literally just talked myself into going to bed for the night. I hyper focused on dishes and sweeping and mopping and vacuuming and just cleaned my downstairs. I did it in under an hour. USUALLY, that takes me all day. Because I just loathe cleaning. And frankly, people don’t come to my house. So as long as I can deal with it, I don’t mind.

My house was pretty clean to begin with. I did a reset a few days prior and just got things under control. But for whatever reason, last night I had to do all the things. And then today, I’m working from home, and so I have the ability to do things like laundry and cleaning and little things in between tasks. Yeah. I deep cleaned my bedroom. (Minus the bedding because I have a duvet cover and I really gotta want to clean to deal with it.) But I moved crap around, took water bottles down stairs, and vacuumed. I even washed the windows! I didn’t know better, I would say I was nesting. (Not pregnant. It’s not possible. Nope.)

I think I’m trying to distract myself, subconsciously. I think that aside from the inevitable body shut down that will happen (I just have a really bad day where I can’t do anything at all) that my brain is trying to distract itself from remembering these days. But my body always wins for a day or so, and remembers. And that memory is always hard to handle, and even harder to talk about. So while I distract myself, I suppose my house will look amazing. If only I could do it without the hidden motivation.