Lyrical Logic

Today would have been my mother-in-law’s birthday. She wasn’t really my in-law, she was my mom in every since other than her giving birth to me. My heart hurts a lot. She cut me off and while I have some ideas as to why, I never got an answer. I get it, I do. But at the same time, all I wanted was a goodbye. This was the first poem I wrote about her. I’ve written others, but this is the one expresses all of my raw emotions.

To my mom: if you ever find this, and you’re wondering if it’s me, it is. I don’t know how to prove it to you, but I promise you, it is. I may never get over the hurt that you caused, I may never be able to let myself get close to any other woman, but you are the role model I always needed. I still brag about you to anyone I meet. I still tell people about you and dad and the love you had for me. My fears of becoming a parent, because of the poor examples that I had, have slowly started to fade because of you. You showed me how to be the mom that loves their kids. To love their kids in a way to know they never doubt that love. You may not have been perfect, but you were the best mom to me.

I love you mom. I wish I could talk to you again. But I know why I can’t, and I can accept that. Have the best day. Take care of dad. And know that I love you both more than I can ever say.

The mom I want to be,
For a long time it was you.
You never treated me any different than your own, 
You were what I never had, 
Until you were suddenly all I knew. 

The mom I want to be,
Held me while I cried. 
You were supportive,
Encouraging, 
Loving. 
Until all you did was ignore me. 

The mom I want to be, 
Did anything for your children.
You were an example, 
Everything I dreamed of being, 
Until you became my biggest fear. 

The mom I want to be, 
Is really modeled after you.
No matter how it ended,
No matter how I feel,
The mom I want to be, 
The woman I want to be, 
Is you.