Lyrical Logic

Life after divorce is brutal. Some days you are perfectly fine. It’s just a piece of your history. Other days you’re paralyzed on the couch mourning a life that feels like it was never yours to begin with. Everyone says it gets easier. My question is when.

When does it get easier? When does it start to hurt less? Because I know that the holidays will always be hard for me, but when will the random waves of grief stop hitting me this hard? Because it’s been almost three years and I still feel like it happened yesterday. It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t just completely paralyze me. If I could still function it would be manageable.

The only thing that helps the paralysis is to write. And it’s not even substantive writing. It’s just random versions of similar stories because, as my therapist tells me, I’m trying to process things. And my brain’s way of forcing me to do it is through writing. And that writing is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s…it’s just a lot. And the paralysis doesn’t stop just at the writing. It keeps going into my work life. My home life. And I end up ordering take out food far more than I should which completely blows my budget.

Yes, you might be saying, that sounds like depression. Why yes. Yes it is. Depression is roaring in my mind. And it’s been a lot lately. But you know what else? That’s why I’m in therapy. That’s why I’m on medication. Because even while properly medicated and even while in therapy my mind still becomes a cage.

I was going to try and write a poem. But honestly? I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the energy to put into a a thing that isn’t actually helping me process. I’d have been married six years this year. Instead, I’m going into divorce year 3, as long as I was married, and it feels like it’s a little bit crazy. It feels like I’ve failed at something while at the same time proving that I can do the thing I was told I couldn’t do. So, while I pull myself up out of this hole, and while I start to put myself out there, I’m going to let the bad days happen. And I’m going to quit apologizing for healing. Even if the healing isn’t something that is something I want to do right now.