Lyrical Logic

Okay, here’s the deal y’all. I’m in the middle of a couple of different things. On top of all of that, I’m currently waiting (rather impatiently) for a formal ADHD diagnosis (expected June 11) and it has been suggested that I stop using my coping mechanisms to just do all the things and to let myself see what other people see. AND DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS! I cannot function like this!

Not only can I focus on exactly 0 things for 2.3 seconds at a time, but I didn’t know how exhausting it was to do all of the things that made me able to do the things. I swear if it weren’t for my insomnia ass I wouldn’t be awake half the time. And I genuinely have no idea how I have survived this long.

But, a week ago I had a massive breakdown in my therapist’s office because we unlocked a new trauma memory. Reba’s new song wrecked me. I’m trying really hard not to get a tattoo this week because if I get one then it’s the questionable kind of self care because I’m doing it for the pain to get a release of the emotional pain I’ve been carrying and not because I want the art. No, I do not think that tattoos are self harm but as a person who likes to play devil’s advocate I see both sides to the argument and my therapist is the one that told me it might be questionable so anyway.

And all I want to do is write a god damn reaction poem to Hurt Like That.

I can’t do it. I just, something in my brain won’t allow me to do it. I cannot for the life of me put words to that song yet. I think it’s because my brain isn’t ready to process the bullshit it brought up. Between my divorce, my mommy issues, and everything else I just don’t think I’m in a place to really let myself feel any of what it will cause me to feel. It feels impossible. But man, I gotta do it.

Maybe I’ll do it next weekend. When I don’t have a gazillion things going on. Anyway. Here’s another snippet of my upcoming book. Enjoy!

I thought for a moment about the rumors around town.
The ones about Danielle and John and their secret affair.
The ones about how truly damaged Katie was.
“You’re not going to be able to plant yourself in her space.
I don’t know her story, but I know Danielle.
If she’s that protective, there is a reason.
All you can do Tommy is just show up.
Every single day.”
 
“How do I get past Danielle?” he asked.
“You just tell her what you want,” I said.
“You tell her you just want a conversation.
You just want to see if she’ll talk to you.
Just tell her you want to stand at the gate and see if she lets you in.”
 
After Tommy left, I ditched the fence check and headed back home.
Evie would still be on the porch sipping her coffee in her nightgown.
That was a sight I never tired of seeing.
Though maybe, I could convince her to come inside and take it off.