Lyrical Logic

This last month has been a little bit wild. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I was thinking about how I wanted to live this last year of my twenties. I’m starting it off strong with a hair appointment and then a new tattoo a few days later. Well, technically two. My heart is full, but it is also empty.

It’s full because I’ve lived the last year with a feeling of actual happiness (most of the time). I’ve lived the last year knowing that someone who I never thought would see me actually did see me for just a few seconds. I’ve made new friends, found new community, and overall just felt like I was finally “home.” I’ve lived the last year writing my way into the next chapter of my life.

It’s empty because I am lonely. I’m not necessarily looking for a romantic partner, though as a woman in her late twenties that is certainly not something I’d be opposed to, I’m looking for someone to share life with. A partner. A best friend. People ask me if I miss being married. 95% of the time the answer is no. I don’t miss having to cook for a man with the palate of a toddler. I don’t miss having to get dressed in the dark because he slept later than me. I don’t miss having to tell someone (ask someone) where I was going and being told it was dumb or not worth it. But I do miss having someone to do things with. I miss someone to come home to and know there is a warm, safe hug waiting for me. I miss movie nights with snuggles and I miss having someone to take out the trash when I don’t feel like it.

I am struggling to be happy about this final “ride” in my twenties. They were great, but they were also the hardest of my life. I’m looking at my life and wondering if I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Maybe my mid-life crisis is now. Maybe I’m just being crazy. But I wrote this poem as I thought about everything.

Enjoy, and Happy Birthday to me.

To the final year in my 20s, 
my "golden" year,
I'm not sure what to expect.

My twenties saw a marriage
and a divorce. 
My twenties saw a positive test
and a miscarriage. 
My twenties saw
three different therapists,
ten new tattoos, 
nine different concerts,
four new real jobs, 
three new churches, 
three different universities, 
and one college degree.
My twenties gave me three seconds to 
finally be seen by the woman whose voice raised me. 
My twenties made me an aunt.
My twenties gave me a sister-in-law.
My twenties showed me a mother's love.
But my twenties also took so much from me. 

My twenties took my sense of safety. 
My twenties took what little sense of worth I had. 
My twenties took friends, family, pets. 
My twenties took my dreams and completely crushed them.
My twenties took the sense that I had finally started to figure out life.

I think that this last year in my twenties will focus on finding peace. 
It won't look like dating. 
It won't look like a picture perfect life. 
It will look like a woman finally allowing herself to be free.