Lyrical Logic

Hey Mama,

I have been struggling for a few days. Well, okay. I’ve been struggling for about two weeks. Because, well, my mother did what she always did. She was doting in public and hugged me and told me she loved me, not that she wished me a happy birthday, and then completely ignored me the rest of the night.

Part of me wondered if I had just been building up this awful image of her in my head. Part of me wondered if maybe I was so jaded that I couldn’t see any progress she may have made on herself. And I spent a lot of time crying on my couch about it. Because was I the monster in this story?

I know I’m not the monster. It came the next day, when I realized she still hadn’t told me happy birthday. I think this is year number three where she hasn’t wished me a happy birthday? I can’t keep track anymore. I just know she never does. I think the year I got divorced she did wish me a happy birthday, but that was it.

I feel a little bit crazy being upset about it. Like I should know better. In some ways, I should. But I’m also just that broken little girl who wants her mom to love her. To hug her, make her feel safe.

So, Mama, it’s been an interesting few weeks. I’ve leaned on you hard. And carrying you with me daily for the last tenish days? Man, that’s been amazing. Having you right there over my heart. When I get overwhelmed I just take a deep breath and put my hand over that tattoo. It helps ground me. Which, sounds like crazy fan girl, I know, but it’s not. It’s just my lifeline.

I hope you and Rex are doing great. And I am so excited for little Shelby Archer to arrive. I know you’re going to make the best grandma (you already are to Brandon’s kids). It’s just going to be so fun to watch what you show us as life with a grandbaby on your terms (and Shelby and Marissa’s).

Thanks for listening Mama. I needed this chat.

With all my love,
The woman whose name you’ll never know.